Chapter 3 I walked into the office, happy to see a female's face for my second interview. Women were just easier to talk to, easier to read, and things were definitely going well. She was friendly, personable, and professional. Her last question to me was, "Why should I hire you?" Well, I let her know exactly why, just like I had thought to myself the other day and I said it all.

I explained the last thirty years of my life experiences in ten minutes and ended with, "because I have been a Mother, Wife, and avid volunteer, I have experienced what it is like to have been a teacher, a nurse, an uber driver, a mentor, a referee, and much more, all bundled into one person, talk about multi tasking and being organized. My life skills far outweigh those any college graduate could have experienced in such a short time." I sat waiting nervously for a response as she looked at me.

"Well, Carla...I think you would make a great addition to the team and I know Major Lewis liked you a lot, you are hired," she extended her hand to shake mine. "Thank you, I accept," I met her hand, squeezed firmly and smiled. When I got to the car I phoned the girls and my mother, putting them all on conference calling. t was confusing to hear who was saying what, but everyone was very happy and excited for me. I was very proud of myself and looked orward to the challenges awaiting. in my lifetime before having children, I worked or several years in different offices and daycare centers.

I was always very good at what I did. It came easy for me, like most things. I had gone to HR after the interview to be fingerprinted and filled out all of the necessary paperwork. As soon as my background check came through, which she assured me should be within twenty four hours, I could start my new position. I walked into the house, "Guess who you are looking at?" I said full of myself. "T don't know," Pete said confused. "The new assistant to Major Lewis, of the State Police," I said proudly and twirled around. "That's great, when do you start?" he said monotoned.

"Probably Thursday, they are going to call when all my paperwork is completed." "Congratulations," Pete said and smiled. I waited a few minutes, took off my shoes, disappointed Pete didn't even comment on how nice I had looked. "That's it? Don't you want to know anything else? Like how much am I going to get paid? What hours I will be working? What the people were like? Do I have an office? Damn it Pete, could you be a little more interested in what's happening to me?" "How much do you get paid?" he asked unaware of how mad I was becoming.

"$45,000," I said and stared at him sitting on the chair across from me. "That's good," he said. "Yeah, it is," I picked up my shoes and walked to the bedroom, disappointed with him. "What? Are you going to tell me the rest?" he shouted down the hall. "No, if you cared to know, you would have asked," I raised my voice. "I figured you'd just tell me." "You have no clue, seriously?" I stormed back in the room. "I just accomplished getting a great position, I'm probably underqualified for it but I got it!

And you can barely be bothered to get just a little excited for me, God forbid you complimented me..." "I said congratulations!" he defended himself. "Yeah, thanks hun," I plopped onto the couch and turned the TV on. "Whatever, I don't know what you want me to say, I'm happy for you...for us," he got up and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge, "Are you going to tell me about it?" "No, there's nothing else to tell," I said staring at the TV. "Ok, I will be in the garage," he said and walked out. He is so frustrating!

I started to fill up, all I wanted was a little praise, a little acknowledgment, is that asking for too much? I called Linda. I told her all the details, all my fears and my anticipations. As usual, she assured me about all of it, including Pete. "Maybe this is just what marriage is after so long? I don't remember feeling so aggravated by everything he did the first ten years of our marriage. I don't think I complained then, did I?" I asked Linda. "Nope, not the first ten for sure, I remember being jealous," she admitted. "Really?" I said surprised.

"I'm definitely jealous of you right now, tell me about Haverdo's friend you want to fix me up with," I halfway joked with her. "He, of course would have to be gorgeous and probably would have been waiting for you to come home, naked in bed, and would have said.. my beautiful Carla, come here and tell me all about your day...and then we can make Passionate love all night long," we both laughed out loud, "..and then my dear Carla I will give you a back massage and take you out for breakfast," she spoke as if he had sort of french accent? "You're so funny!

Thanks for cheering me up Linda, talk to you later," I don't know what we'd have done without each other over the years. That night, in bed, Pete rolled over to me, slurring his words, "I am really proud of you for getting this job." "Thanks," I said. He went to rub my head but poked me in the face instead, he was sloppy drunk as usual. I swatted his hand away in anger, "Really, Pete, this has to stop." He sighed out loud, "What are you talking about, damn...I tried to complement you and you're still bitching," he rolled over mumbling to himself, barely making sense.

"It's getting really old seeing you trashed every night," I shouted. "Whatever, I'm going to sleep," he said. I knew now wasn't the time to start this argument, however, we weren't finished discussing it. I meant what I said to him, I'm tired of it. He had drank a bit too much in the past, we argued a few times and he quit, for more than ten years that I can remember. But this time is different, I've never seen him get so drunk as he has been these past few months. He stumbles down the hallway to bed each night. Tomorrow we would discuss it, when he wasn't drunk.

"Hey," he rolled over the next morning as if nothing happened the night before. "What do you have planned today? Want to go out for lunch?" "No, I'm just going to be lazy, before I start my new job," I said still angry. "Is it raining?" he asked. "I can't tell," I rolled over towards him and put my arm around him, "Pete...we need to talk." "Oh God, I'm not up for another round Carla, seriously," he said aggravated at my insinuation. "We do, this has gone on for too long Pete, you have to cut back, you're getting sloppy," I tried to stay calm.

"Ok, I will try." I knew he just wanted me to stop talking, "and you're spending half a fortune on beer, add it up, if a twelve pack is..." He cut me off, "Did I ever once question how much money you used to spend on cigarettes? Did I ever complain it was bad for you?" He was right about that, "Well smoking didn't affect my moods or actions, like you being drunk does. It affects me too," I pleaded with him. "Second hand smoke affected me and the girls for years, back off Carla," he tossed the blanket off of him and opened the closet searching for his jeans.

He slammed the bedroom door behind him. Ugh!!! I could not win this argument with him! I've tried avoiding it, I've tried approaching it. I'm so frustrated. Linda and I have talked about it in great detail, she went through it with Jerry for most of their marriage. So, I convinced my inner self that this too, would eventually change, when he was ready. I got up, dressed and busied myself around the house. When I was home all those years with the kids, I never felt bored, not even when they were at school all day. It seemed as though I always had something to take care of.

I was usually the first one up and the last one to bed. If I got to sit on the couch by 8:00 pm for one of my favorite TV shows, I was doing good. Now, seems so different. The girls have been moved out for a few years, I had tried a couple different jobs, none that held my attention, going back to a preschool was my first comfort zone, I quickly realized I did not have enough patience anymore for someone else's child. The other few office positions, just didn't hold my attention. I want so much more now.

I want to feel responsible for an accomplishment, I want to look forward to going to work everyday, I need something to fill this gap inside of me. I have never felt it before, and I don't like it. Am I starting menopause? Not officially yet, but maybe my mood change is the beginning? I don't know.